A low sex drive is more common than most people think, and it doesn't have to mean the end of a satisfying sex life. Desire naturally rises and falls over a lifetime. What matters is whether the gap between how often you want sex and how often your partner does is causing stress, and what you can do about it together.
What Counts as a Low Libido?
There's no "normal" number. A libido is low when you want sex less often than you used to, or less than you'd like to, and it bothers you or your relationship. For some people it's a phase; for others it's simply how they're wired. Neither is a problem unless it feels like one to you.
Common Reasons Desire Drops
- Stress and exhaustion. Work, money worries, caregiving and poor sleep are some of the biggest libido killers.
- Hormone changes. Pregnancy, the months after childbirth, perimenopause and menopause can all lower desire. So can low testosterone in men.
- Medications. Some antidepressants, blood pressure medicines and hormonal birth control affect sex drive.
- Health conditions. Diabetes, heart disease, thyroid problems, depression and chronic pain can all play a part.
- Relationship issues. Unresolved conflict, feeling unappreciated, or a routine that's gone stale.
- Sex that isn't satisfying. If sex is painful, rushed or doesn't lead to pleasure, it makes sense to want it less.
If your desire has dropped suddenly, or you have other symptoms, talk to your doctor. Many causes, from medication side effects to hormone changes, can be treated.
Is One Gender Higher-Drive Than the Other?
Studies often find that men, on average, report thinking about sex more often, while women's desire tends to be more tied to context: mood, connection and setting. But averages say little about any one couple. Plenty of relationships have a higher-desire woman and a lower-desire man. It's more useful to talk about your own patterns than to assume.
How to Keep Your Sex Life Going
- Talk honestly. Tell your partner what you're feeling without blame, and listen to how the difference affects them. Most couples feel closer once it's out in the open.
- Aim for quality over quantity. Less frequent sex that you both enjoy beats frequent sex that feels like a chore.
- Know whether you're a "responsive desire" person. Many people don't feel spontaneous desire but do get in the mood once touching starts. If that's you, agreeing to start with a massage or making out, with no pressure to go further, can work well.
- Plan time together. Scheduling intimacy sounds unsexy, but it removes the guesswork and lets you both look forward to it.
- Change things up. New settings, massage oils, couples' toys or a vibrator can bring back curiosity.
- Make sex more comfortable. A good lubricant helps a lot if dryness or discomfort is part of the problem.
- Look after yourself. Sleep, exercise and stress relief improve energy and mood, and desire often follows.
The Upside of Regular Intimacy
Sex and physical affection release oxytocin and endorphins, which help you feel relaxed, bonded and less stressed. Regular intimacy is linked with better sleep and mood for many people. It doesn't have to mean intercourse: cuddling, kissing and touch count.
When to Get Help
If a mismatch in desire is causing ongoing tension, a sex therapist or couples counselor can help you find a rhythm that works for both of you. For men, low desire sometimes goes along with erection problems; our guide to non-prescription options for ED covers what can help. For women going through the change, see our menopause guide.
